Maybe you have been reading the news lately. There have been some interesting developments: Artificial Intelligence, large language modeling, alien drone invasions in New Jersey and the promise of a new Heaven’s Gate chair have all been in the headlines — and surprise, they are all connected.
I skied Sugarbush on Saturday, December 21, the first day of winter, the Solstice, an auspicious day in the celestial calendar. The peaks looming above were shrouded in a mist of snow. I took one ride on the Super Bravo chair and skied Domino to the base of the brand-new Heaven’s Gate chair. Even though it was wicked early and cold, I decided to wait around until they got the chair fired up.
FIRST SKIER
I was one of the first skiers there. Soon, others arrived to join me in the lift corral. The lifties were struggling to get the chair going. The pass gate wouldn’t swing into position, and everybody in the lift line was talking about Karma. There were a couple of guys in line wearing SpaceX jackets, which seemed kinda weird because they were like mechanics’ jackets — not really warm or anything. I thought maybe a coupla rocket scientists might come in handy, because it seemed like they couldn’t figure out what was going on with the lift. The lifties were having an argument with a guy in the lift shack. “Come on HAL, run the lift, HAL.”
Come to find out, this isn’t at all like the old HG Chair. Nope, ‘ole Elon Musk has taken over just about everything, Dopplemeyer included. This chair has the newest and greatest technology with AI included. By the way, it is not Artificial Intelligence — it’s Alien Intelligence. Elon recruited these guys from space and gave them these SpaceX jackets as a disguise.
Well, this new chair is a portal that transcends space and time. Even though it still has a few bugs to work out, I can tell you it is a vast improvement from the old triple. We got stuck about halfway up for almost an hour and damned near froze us, but — the portal works! You slide off the lift right into Grinder and deep, dry powder! The thing transported us straight into Utah!
IN UTAH
Happily, in Utah, we skied Grinder into Spillsville and found dry, untracked, and bottomless powder! Maybe you don’t believe that, but there was a patroller at the bottom of Spills who shot the whole thing on his AI-enhanced, 6G phone and sent it to me. Apparently, it’s on YouTube or something and going viral, maybe?
The lift only ran for a few minutes, so about 20 chairs full of skiers made it through the portal and all of them were wicked cold. The patroller at the summit gave us these little red tickets that could be turned in at Guest Services for a hot chocolate and a comp day ticket. I’m gonna call my buddy, Donny Pelletier, Maine’s finest athlete, and tell him that I’ve got this comp ticket. He’s gotta get over here to try out this portal. They ain’t got this in Maine, I don’t think.
I rode a chair, hiked Jester, and then skied untracked powder with one of the SpaceX guys. He was a bright guy and explained all kinds of things to me like fluid dynamics and stuff. I was up to speed on most of it, but I must admit that he knew stuff. He was riding Elon skis. And I think he had that Neuralink thing in his brain. I guess Elon bought Elan and created these new skis which are AI-enabled because he seemed to beeline into the good snow.
Anyway, back in the lodge with a free hot cocoa, the alien and I ran into Robert and told him the whole cold story. Back in the day, I used to get stuck on the original Heaven’s Gate chair too, so I have my own survival technique, which is to close up my hood, tuck in out of the wind, and shut down, hibernating like a bear. Bad idea says Robert, who has spent far more time freezing on chairlifts than me. What he does is to tension every muscle in the body and then release, repeatedly, using the body like a pump to keep blood moving and to increase the heart rate to stay warm. This technique sounds far superior. Even the alien learned something there.
This Alien Intelligence stuff is wicked interesting, I just hope we don’t end up freezing on the chair again. The alien was just visiting and said he sleeps in his car when he skis here, so he’s gonna have to get a warmer coat than that SpaceX jacket. I’ve got his number, and I hope to ski with him again — in Utah or Heaven’s Gate, either one.
